*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
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When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
This one’s “Alex”.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*