Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
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Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I think I’m having a stroke
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.