@bacon_gillepic: Y’all keep saying Columbus was a bad dude and he shouldn’t had a day, but y’all need to shut up because I like getting mattresses on sale
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@samalmightysam: My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
@TheAlexNevil: Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
@squirrel74wkgn: No one talks to you on the bus when you're shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
@Dee_Aye_Bee: *getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You'll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It's here.