Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.