I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
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me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.