Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
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I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: Your wifi isn鈥檛 working
Dad: Well, it鈥檚 right next to you!
Me: Yes it鈥檚 obviously something I鈥檓 doing wrong. I鈥檒l wifi harder
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
when i met him, i should鈥檝e recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can鈥檛 do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he鈥檚 my son but he鈥檚 gotta get it together.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Him: we鈥檙e being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they鈥檙e-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you鈥檙e still folding all this laundry.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
We鈥檙e just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won鈥檛 talk until I say their names and they鈥檙e silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly