Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
You Might Also Like
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
what does he know…
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands