Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel