YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
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If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
bought wrong eggs
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Don’t touch that.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I鈥檓 just scared of elevators
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What鈥檚 exactly your problem 馃槶
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I鈥檓 older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you鈥檙e such a transparent tool.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.