Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
two people or more is called a problem
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.