(yawn)
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Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page