*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
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Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …