*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.