My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void