Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”