@J_Dazzle76: Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% battery left
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@InternetHippo: I’m in pretty good shape [lie detector buzzes] Yesterday I sneezed too hard and now my neck hurts
@edgarrants: Telling my wife I'm taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
@T_N_Crumpets: [Supermarket] Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION Assistant: Aisle 7 Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let's go guys