I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
You Might Also Like
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*