*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Smooooooth
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”