@NeuroticMess: The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.

@jonnysun: date: so wat do u wana do next me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible [climbs into ferrari] date: omg wow is this ur car me: no

@AbbyHasIssues: People who say I'm hard to shop for obviously didn't see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

@tequilasaltlife: Vacuum the cat, its easier than vacuuming his hair from the whole house

@TheBoydP: My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend's house for the evening like she didn't see me get in the pool.