Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
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Oh no
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL