First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
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The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.