please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi