I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
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Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?