Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
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“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Are you ok, human???
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.