Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister