“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Its a hippotatomus
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”