Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
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a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?