@Dani_Feld: Me: Can I have a Batmobile? Santa: Be realistic. Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job? Santa: I'll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

@TheTweetOfGod: NEW YEAR'S LOGIC 1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun. 2. Time to lay off chocolate.

@michaelianblack: Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.

@DothTheDoth: To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. "good tacos boston"

@nbadag: THERAPIST: you're running from something. what do u think it might be? [goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion] ME: uh—failure