Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
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Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Coffee for people with no kids
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.