Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
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Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears