My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
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Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My Guy
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
💁🏻♂️
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.