Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
“no gods no masters” = leo
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.