The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
can you read it!!??
maan!