@KevinFarzad: Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.
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@amydillon: Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
@SamuelHLowe: - I'd like to make a reservation. - Name? - Matthew McConaughey. - Can you spell that for me? - No.
@parsfarce: me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* "pho" korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
@GrumpyComments: Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.