live, laugh, laundry.
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Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Spell check is for lasers.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?