Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
You Might Also Like
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*