I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
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I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.