I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
You Might Also Like
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.