I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox