My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
You Might Also Like
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab