warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
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A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
lmao
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
*sewing*
A thread
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak