Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
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can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.