Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
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I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
put ‘er there pardner!
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
WWE is French for “yes”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.