Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
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Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
the composer
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.