The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
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Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Natural selection at its finest
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
checking out some reviews of my local library
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.