Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
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If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride