You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
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[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.