Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
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You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Crying is a sign of leakness.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
This classic never gets old . . .