Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
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Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems