Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
You Might Also Like
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.