Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
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If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Art by Pastelkatto
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.