Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
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The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him