Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
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Bike is short for Bichael.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.