Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
This hospital has everything
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.